Sally was waiting for a sign—for something to happen to either show her a direction or validate her feelings; and as a result, she was stuck. She felt “stuck” after her divorce because of feeling out of control since she felt she no control over her reality.
I have seen many women stay “stuck” after divorce because as time goes on and nothing shows up; the pain doesn’t go away, it just becomes more tolerable. Why? It has become so familiar that it is then accepted as a part of our reality. We become complacent. Consequently, we do nothing to move ourselves forward and create a new life on our own terms. Many women stay “stuck” for years…
Think about this: If Sally had control over her situation, does it mean that the outcome or result would have been any different?
What is a viable option? Surrender to it. Surrender is not synonymous with giving up or defeat. Realize that in the present, the situation is out of your control. The divorce is part of the past. It was traumatic but it is over.
The first step is to become aware of the self-talk—the voice constantly chattering in your head. When it starts up, become aware of it. Just become aware of it with all its “questions” or “should haves”, etc. Pretend that you are just the listener and don’t engage with it. Don’t get sucked into it as then you will have a whole dialogue and it does nothing but create more anxiety and stress.
In becoming a listener instead of engager, you create a space in the mind for the ability to take control in another way. Taking control of your future responses and behavior instead of wallowing around and getting caught up in it. It allows for feeling empowered and to look toward positive action for the future. It is a little mindset change but very powerful.
Don’t wait around like Sally does in waiting for something to happen. Time waits for no one and doesn’t care if you heal yourself or move on. Time allows for comfort to stay “stuck”; and like Sally, one can get used to sitting with the trauma. Of course, time is needed to take the edge off, but as a healer—not so much.
Time is outside of ourselves and that is not where we need to look for answers. The answers are found within. Go there.
If you would like some words on a topic or issue you are experiencing after divorce, let me know and I will write some words of wisdom regarding it. I also invite you to join my new group, Moving Beyond Divorce.
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