GROW INSTEAD OF COPE AFTER DIVORCEJuly 24, 2021
Create Your Life Map Going Forward after divorceDecember 5, 2021
Michael is divorced for a while now. He finally dares to dream about what his life can look like for the future. Seeing it on the screen of his mind, he pretends to already be living it.
He is hoping to start his own business and attract a healthy, romantic relationship. There is everything in place and is ready to move on the action steps for the first goal. Michael knows the time is “NOW”.
Michael FEELS STUCK
As he takes the leap and go for one of his dreams; suddenly, he can’t move forward. It’s as though an invisible hand holds him back. He feels stuck. What a strange feeling!
There’s an inner struggle. As he strives to go after what he wants, an overwhelming feeling of dread and extreme discomfort settles in his stomach. All he wants to do is get rid of that feeling.
The feeling is so unpleasant and unnerving, it paralyzes him. As a result, it stops him in his tracks. Consequently, Michael stays where he is. He lets all the reasons why me can’t come into his mind instead of why he can.
It’s here he is feels secure instead of breaking out of his old life, after divorce. He goes nowhere. He does nothing. He makes excuses in his mind to convince himself that it is all right to stay where he is now.
WHAT IS A PARADIGM?
After divorce, some men and women feel an uncomfortable feeling that paralyzes them from rebuilding their lives. The feeling is called a paradigm. A paradigm is a habit, pattern, or belief system that is deeply embedded in the subconscious mind.
When Michael thinks of doing something different and out of his comfort zone, his paradigm holds him back.
Unless he can push past it so that he can begin to rebuild his life after divorce, the paradigm will keep him right where he no longer wants to be.
WHERE DOES A PARADIGM COME FROM?
Up until the age of seven, some researchers say even earlier, the conscious mind is not fully developed yet. At that early age, we experience limited experiences and perceptions.
As a result, we’re not sophisticated enough to take the data we have and make informed, conscious decisions.
So during those early years, our mind is like a sponge that takes everything in which goes right into our subconscious mind.
Consequently, our environment, experiences, and genetics give us our belief system; and therefore, our habits and behaviors give us the results we are NOW getting in our lives.
WHERE ARE THE PARADIGMS?
Paradigms can cause limiting beliefs and mental blocks preventing us from achieving our goals. Because they are in the subconscious mind, oftentimes we don’t even know they exist until we ask the hard questions to discover them.
Here is an example. Karin is over 50 and recently divorced. She works her way up to a top position in the company she presently works for. Secretly, she wants to start her own company.
Karin is smart, fair, and is well-liked. Deep down, she feels that she could really be a huge success on her own. She can see it in her mind. She can see herself building her own company. Somehow, though, she just can’t get herself to go for it.
WHAT DOES KARIN DISCOVER?
Karin needs to discover the paradigm that is holding her back and replace it with a new one so she can move forward. Here’s an exercise to discover the paradigm that is holding her back from achieving her goal.
First, Karin writes down all the positive reasons she could think of as to why she should start her own company. Next, she writes all negative feelings/thoughts that come to mind when she thinks of going for this life-changing goal.
The negative associations, particularly the strongest one, will reveal what her paradigm is; that is, what is holding her back.
In her case, it was the FEAR OF FAILURE. (It is not necessary to go digging in the past and analyze why there is a fear of failure.) All she needs to know is that there is that fear.
WHAT CAN SHE DO?
Once she knows the paradigm, she can begin to do the work to change it so that she can move forward. How does she change the paradigm? The same way it got there in the first place. It is THROUGH REPETITION.
If you think about it, how is the fear of failure a problem if it’s not experienced over and over again? It becomes part of her belief system.
There are several ways to change paradigms. The most commonly used one is to change the negative thought pattern, and replace it with a new, positive one. Through repetition, the neural pathways to the subconscious mind will eventually push out the old paradigm and replace with the new.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?
It is simple but takes desire and discipline. She changes the way she thinks about starting a new business. She replaces the old negative thoughts that create the anxiety; and additionally, she replaces them with thoughts of confidence and success.
She repeats positive statements to herself over and over that describe how she wants to be and feel.
Bob Proctor has come up with a great way to start a positive thought. “I am so happy and grateful now that…”
Every time the self-talk of fear, worry, and unease comes in, she changes the thoughts right away. She can change her thoughts in an instant. The trick is to be aware of when they come in into her mind.
Then, she also learns to be aware of what situations, people, ideas, etc. that will trigger the anxious, fearful feeling.
WHY IS REPETITION THE “KEY”?
The old fear of failure is firmly established. As she repeats the positive self-talk over and over; eventually, through repetition, the new thoughts are passed on to the subconscious mind and becomes a part of her belief system.
She begins to believe in them. As she slowly changes her mindset, she begins to believe in the words that she repeats over and over. With repetition and her belief, she begins to become aware of ways to overcome her FEAR..
WHAT TRIGGERS THE PARADIGM?
Karin is able to discover when the old paradigm surfaces. She becomes aware of how she feels inside. The feeling inside is the “trigger”. If she starts to feel anxious or fearful, it is the internal signal (trigger) that she needs to push the old paradigm aside.
Then, she repeats the new one over and over again. For example, “I am so happy and grateful now that I am confident to start my new business. I will be successful and know I can make this happen”.
Eventually, Karin accepts the new statements as her truth. It became part of her belief system. Belief is more than half the battle.
We can achieve any goal we desire. Once we discover what holds us back, the anxiety, fear, and uncomfortable feeling will be replaced with confidence and a driving force that comes from the power within.
As a result, we will have access to a belief system that enables us to go over, under, or through any obstacle getting in the way. Why? Basically because we believe we can.
It is really that simple. All it takes is desire and discipline.
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