The first phase is REJECTION. When experiencing it in a healthy way, it can act as a defense mechanism from the inevitable pain. The next phase is RESENTMENT; and when it hits, many fixed emotions will arise—anger, pain, fear, etc.
Over time, these feelings begin to dissipate and RENEGOTIATION, the third phase, starts to set in.
As I said in earlier blogs, some will experience this phase and others won’t. For those who get “stuck” in this phase, they haven’t come to terms with the fact that they can’t control the feelings and behavior of their former spouse.
If you are stuck here, you may dwell on the “What If” or “If Only” and may risk doing anything or resort to drastic measures to try to win your “ex” back which includes willingness to change yourself. You may make a promise to a higher power—if only you could get your old life back.
Lorraine was “stuck” in the RENEGOTIATION phase because she blamed herself for losing her husband, Jack. She met Jack at work while in her 30’s and they were together for over 25 years. She and Jack had worked very hard in both of their careers and were ready to retire early. Lorraine was looking forward to relaxing and pursing some of her hobbies and interests that had been cast aside while filling the roles of mother, wife, caretaker of father, and career woman.
Jack had other ideas. He wanted to travel and see the world. They had discussed together what they wanted to do in retirement; but Lorraine’s vision, now that the time had come, had drastically changed and was not in aligned with Jack’s. Jack filed for divorce and left to follow his dreams.
Lorraine became “unstuck” when she realized that she had to work though some tough personal challenges. Ways she found to release the bargaining that was going in her mind were the following:
Trying to RENEGOTIATE only delays the harsh reality of what is. If you are ready to embrace a new beginning and create a new life on your own terms, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. There are many of you out there. The Time Is Now.
Join my new Facebook Group on my business page in which I want to build a tribe of women who support each other and feel empowered to move forward. It’s called MOVING BEYOND DIVORCE.